The Unexpected Life

Today the sun shone down on the pacific coast of Southern California. My best friend from high school, J, picked me up from my hotel, and we made the trek from Burbank to Malibu under beautiful, clear blues skies. When we crested the mountain top, he rolled the windows down so I could inhale the intoxicating aroma of salt water, warm sand, and Coppertone. God love him; that man does know the way to my heart, but before you get any ideas, he’s not one bit interested in that same heart, at least not in the way you think.

We spent the day driving the Pacific Coast Highway laughing at the proximity of the “recovery centers” cheek-by jowl with the liquor stores, and fantasizing at living on the ocean, separately, of course, someday. It’s nice to dream. The ocean couldn’t have been more azure had it been computer-enhanced, and in this town that’s a real possibility. The warm sand beneath my feet, the cold water rushing up my legs, splashing onto my calves and then my thighs left me delighted, and, dare I say it, feeling free. Free to be just me, just a child in the presence of God the Creator and this man, J, whom I’ve known more than half my life. And I was happy. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been truly happy? In all honesty, I don’t remember. Continue reading →

I’ve heard “fear” defined as simply “the absence of love.” So, I started thinking about all the things for which my heart must be empty. Get ready ’cause here comes the list (in no particular order, and I reserve the right to edit it at any point): Continue reading →

My Fourth of July weekend was spent the old-fashioned way: family, barbecues, swimming, listening to the tinkling (or distressing, depends on how you take it) sounds of children shrieking, and staying inside during the fireworks so as not to end up the inadvertent victim of one of the bullets that people in the Southwest are so fond of firing up into the night sky along with their fireworks.  All in all, it was a good time.

At one point I was relaxing in the hot tub, when my brother’s neighbor’s 6 year-old son (you still with me?) with whom I had had a relatively long and detailed conversation earlier in the day about the positive traits of strawberries, climbed in the hot tub, filled his little mouth with water, paddled over to me, put his face right up to my cheek and opened his mouth.  Chlorinated water and spit drained down my face.  Huh. Continue reading →

Sometimes I’ll sit down and start typing and the words flow like water, and sometimes I sit down and nothing comes. So, I wait, heart twisting in my chest because I know there is something I am supposed to say, something I am missing. I brush tears impatiently – hastily- aside. I don’t have time for tears; their very presence blocks my heart line to God. I can’t hear Him over those salty drops. And I think, ‘Why am I crying? Can’t be for Him. He gets His message through no matter the vector.’ Then I realize I’m crying for myself. For the me I thought I’d be 20 years ago, the me I want to be now, and the me I am; three very different people I assure you. And how did the crevice widen so far? Continue reading →

The summer following my college graduation was a waiting game – literally. I’m going to date myself, but back in 1996 when I graduated from University of Virginia with an AFROTC scholarship (Yes, shameless plug for one of the top 25 institutions in the county that just happens to be public.  There may be one or two more.), some of the armed services let nurses come on active duty before passing the nursing boards (NCLEX), and just used the not-yet-board-certified nurses however they could. But that didn’t suit the Air Force’s legendary style. No, no, no, not at all.  So, my waiting comprised of teaching 2 and 3 year olds at a local day care (Best job I’ve ever had.). Continue reading →

So, here I sit for the third day in a row in front of daytime television. I think I can actually see my IQ points floating away. Do I care, really, really, with every fiber of my being care which dress the 20 year-old bride on TV picks out? Not one iota. I think I might be a tad cynical right now, but all I can picture are my 2 very expensive wedding dresses carefully packed away only later to be thrown away, and I sigh. How am I really this cynical?

I believe in love; I believe in partnerships blessed by God, I believe in healthy marriages that can stand the tests of time and trials. My glass is normally half-full. This morning, however, I must’ve run out of OJ. Continue reading →

What makes a patriot?  I suppose it all depends on when one is born and where one is born.  In this day and age, are heroes made simply by putting on the uniform?  Does behavior count for naught?

I was an air force officer.  Honestly, I dreaded being one, but circumstances being what they were with my family, it was absolutely required if college was going to be an option.  Well, an option if I didn’t want to spend my entire high school life applying for scholarships. So, I would be an Air Force nurse.  I could’ve been an army or navy nurse, but I look best in blue.  So, I spent 4 years learning, growing, and resenting.  Looking back, the resentment was flat out stupid. I didn’t know any other nurse my age running her own clinic, and, yet, there I was in mine: managing personnel and staffing, managing a supply budget, managing/triaging patients.  It was a fabulous job, and I wasn’t even 25 yet. Seriously, I think you have to be at least 10 years past the experience to view how amazing the job/relationship/____________ was. Continue reading →

Anybody else seen “Maleficent?”  If you have you know that the story of “Sleeping Beauty” is told through a very sympathetic “bad fairy’s” eyes?  As I’ve never seen Angelina Jolie be anything other than fabulous, I looked forward to this Disney re-do immensely.  I loved this movie.  The good and bad in all of us, the hate and love, and the innocence that can see only love.

The dark fairy becomes the protector, somehow the villain looses her own heart to her “vile” enemy,  as Maleficent grows to love (or at least live in the “in-between”) Aurora through the years as she watches her little nemesis grow.  And Aurora has mistaken Maleficent  as her godmother.  But that’s enough for my purpose, and I hope I haven’t  given away too much.

I believe in love, and I believe in hate.  I also believe in the in-between.  Let me be clear.  This “in-between” is NOT a Christian concept I’ve ever heard preached from the pulpit.  But, I’d be willing to bet everything I have (Maybe cause that isn’t much.) that most people I know including self-identified Christians, understand that “in-between” space.  That space that says “I know I feel something, but I’m not sure what it is.  And, please, for both of our sakes don’t demand, anything yet.” Continue reading →

“Are you two back together with no yelling?” Z, my 6-year old, super-skinny nephew asked as he popped a piece of waffle in his mouth.  He was oh-so-casual in his Spiderman skivvies and nothing else, but I think his little heart really needed to know.  Yelling is a big part of his life, but our, Zak’s and mine,  relationship agreement (Yes, Z and I have a relationship agreement worked out.  Mainly this: you kid, me adult. You behave, no trouble.  You misbehave, trouble.  But big caveat: I don’t yell at him ever, and he doesn’t yell at me.  Sometimes I have to remind him.  I’ll say, “Zak remember our agreement? I don’t yell at you and…” then I wait the 3-5 minutes until he mutters, “I don’t yell at you.”  Sometimes I tease him just a little, tell him I can’t hear him until the both of us are laughing.) Continue reading →

This past weekend at my brother’s house I was half-way down the stairs when Z’s little 6 year-old voice down echoed down the stairwell, stopping me in my tracks.  “Auz,” he inquired of his 10 year-old wizened brother, “what’s a hipster?”

Now, maybe for the sake of propriety I should say that I moved along and certainly didn’t eaves drop on my beloved little dudes, but, alas I did not.  And don’t tell me you wouldn’t have paused for that answer, too.  You know you sooo would’ve.  And Auz’s calm, collected, confident, not to mention definitive answer: “It’s Winnie the Pooh.”

My eyes must practically jumped out of their sockets, and I’d like to say that the morally grey area of listening in on a 6 and 10 years’ old conversation forced me down the rest of the stairs, but I can’t lie.  It was the terror of discovery; I was about to burst out-loud laughing. I dare not laugh, nor give myself away in any other tell-tale manner. After all, I needed these kids to trust me, right?  (Like listening in stairwells was trustworthy?  I am not above recognizing my own hypocrisy.)  So, I proceeded calmly down the stairs, and, I think God was punishing me because there wasn’t another soul with whom around to share this ‘Isn’t this adorable moment?’

Continue reading →