Laundry Lists?

I was standing on the cool Saltillo tile of my patio this evening waiting for Jug to stop sniffing at the potato plant while I enjoyed the cool night breeze. On the wind a Great Horned Owl “hoo hooed” in my direction. (In case you think I’ve suddenly become British and taken up ornithology, I only know it was a Great Horned Owl because my neighbor – not British – told me so.) Anyway, I enjoyed listening to this call in the starlit/ streetlamp bright sky with the night air cooled clay tiles under my bare feet, still warm stucco against my back as I gazed up to the trees that hid the screeching bird. I had to admit I was enjoying my noisy feathered neighbor, admit that I was enjoying my brief reprieve from my darkened, cave of a home where my latest migraine had held me captive for almost 4 weeks, with the past 6 days attached to an IV for a good deal of my waking hours. Right at that moment, said IV was finished for the night, and I was almost finished – truly and completely wiped out. It was proving to take a lot of energy to fight off this particular round of headaches, and I did not like that – not at all.

After Jug had completed his exploration of the potato plant, we headed back inside, and he helped me navigate the stairs. That was a huge improvement and reason for celebration. Three days ago, stairs weren’t even a possibility. Little by little the pendulum was swinging in a positive direction. We’re moving back toward the status quo, a body with which I have entered a détente – have learned to live with comfortably, find peace, even find joy and contentment.

I’ve heard from so many people that if I just prayed harder or had more faith that I would be healed from these headaches, these “brain fogs,” these dizzy spells, these night terrors, and all the other attendant TBI issues. I think, as well meaning as these individuals are, they’re sadly off-track. Even Paul had his “thorn;” Joseph was imprisoned; the Isrealites were enslaved; Moses never entered the Promised Land; Elijah prayed for death; Jonah tried desperately not to go to Nineveh. Not everything for which we pray, for which we hope is granted. Some things for which we pray are given but don’t come to fruition immediately. What are we to make of this, because we are told that He is faithful in granting all our prayers?

I’ve been considering this quite a bit, because, let’s face it, other than thinking and writing (and watching hours of Netflix and Amazon Prime) there really hasn’t been much I can do over the past few weeks. What I’ve come up with simmers then boils down to this: we are told to pray unceasingly and to ask for what we want. But what if all that really means is to simply tell God our hearts – seek Him with our truest selves sharing our deepest fears, regrets, hopes, dreams, loves – and not present a laundry list of demands. What He desires from us, what His purpose in creating us to be was simply as a companion and to bring glory to Himself. How much glory is a list of demands? He desires relationship with us – true, committed, loving, faithful relationship, but He also knows every fault and failing in us. So, when we stumble, when we falter, when we fear, He knows and loves anyway. There exists unfathomable beauty in that.

What I also came to understand is that He has never needed anything from me. (Did you get that or shall I say it again?) Let’s repeat for good measure. He has never needed anything from me (or you either.) He is and always has been whole and complete within Himself. Does He want us to love Him, worship Him, bring glory to Him? Absolutely! But does he need it? Not one iota. He has never, ever needed my help in anything He has planned, or designed, or desired, nor will He. As long as I allow my life to be His, as long as I don’t stand in His way, He will make something beautiful out of the ashes of my wreckage, and believe me, there are a lot of ashes. Even should I stand in His way, if I am His, it may take a bit longer because I’m going to force a detour, but He’s still going to get to wherever His endpoint may be, dragging me along behind Him. Oh, but once I am there (and I quit kicking and screaming) I will realize the magnificent glory of His plan that shone through all along.

And that is something for which to be marvelously thankful.