Last weekend I spent 5 lovely, almost relaxing days in Tucson with my family. You must understand that my parents are extremely recent East Coast transplants who chose to leave their 20+ year community and their 20+ year friends as well as my 35 year old sister, Leah, behind for the sake of being close to their two other children and their likely-to-be-only grandchildren under the age of twenty (My brother has been the only one to take up that mantle of be fruitful and multiply, but not for the lack of trying, mind you.). Haven’t yet decided when the Wrath of Leah will descend on my parents or in what form, but you can bet that, oh, it’s a-comin’. My vote? A small intimate wedding, perhaps or elopement that the whole family knows nothing of until we see her on Facebook 7-8 months pregnant, and then it’ll be a breezy, by-the-way mentioned in passing sort of thing; my sister has always heard her own drumbeat and followed, and in a way I envy that non-conformist attitude. But, then again, she has always had to learn her lessons the hard as titanium way (Don’t we all?), but sometimes the lessons don’t sink in, don’t penetrate that carefully constructed and precisely honed chainmail exterior. And, thus, the inevitable need to repeat itself.
I’m reminded of a story I once heard Mark Hall of Casting Crowns tell, and I hope I don’t butcher it for you. He was talking about Peter and how he first came to Christ. Very simplified, He told some fisherman having a tremendously bad day to lower their nets on the other side on the boat. Their haul was so enormous as to no be able to be pulled into their watercraft. Peter was one of those fisherman, and he immediately left behind his boat and life he knew to follow Jesus, but at His very end Jesus predicted, with the saddened surety of what was to come, that Peter would deny both knowing or having a relationship with the true and living God, the Savior he recognized beyond the limited understanding of the Messiah taught by traditional Judaism. For not only was Christ king, he was Emmanuel, God with us.
But Peter did deny Christ there times, and these denials of all that Peter himself held so close to his soul, so very sacred, left him whirling out of control, questioning himself, his conscious, his very self worth. And, so, he did what any male would do, he fled. He returned to the life he knew before he had ever heard his Master’s voice calling to him from the shore, hoping to regain the life he’d lived, the dignity he’d had, and, in my opinion, forget what he had done.
My story is so like Peter’s. I promise, often in futility, that if God would just grant me this or that, I would remain steadfast in Him, I would seek Him more faithfully, I would apply His principles more to the life I lead, to the dragons I cannot slay. But do I? I’d have to say less that 40% of the time I remember to let it go and let God. I want to, Heavens above, how I want to! It’s not an intellectual issue, thank you Father. No, it goes deeper than that, rushing through my veins as heart issues. Now, that’s a bit more difficult my friend – a heart issue.
At the core of our being is our very heart. The organ responsible for pumping out life-sustaining hemoglobin and, thus, oxygen, The blood is also the carrier of white blood cells which help protect us from infection, and the initial bleeding also serves to clean the would to protect from the preliminary onslaught of bacteria. But as we know, this bleed cannot last and is not sustainable with maintaining our human lives. Thus the need for the clotting factors found in our blood, but what if you don’t have those, either. For such tiny organisms as blood cells, they are responsible for so very much in our lives.
Back to Peter…
With the sure knowledge he had sold out his Brother, Lord, Savior, Peter felt unworthy to do anything other than return to the life he’d known before Christ – fishing. And just as on the day some 3 years before when his nets were yielding nothing, He heard a voice call from shore to drops his nets to the other side of the boat. And just as before, he did, and Peter could not haul the nets into the boat as they were teeming with fish.
It must have astounded Peter to realize and recognize that voice from the shore that morning It mu.st have re-hydrated and broken wide-open Peter’s shriveling heart, because there on the beach sat his resurrected Lord and Savior, fixing him, Peter, breakfast, something Peter did not expect nor did he, deep down believe he deserved. But do you know what always brings tears to my eyes, Peter’s opinion didn’t matter. Christ’s did.
Christ knew all of Peter’s flaws long before Peter ever would, and Christ loved him despite of them. Christ kneeling in the sand, taking care of Peter was God the Son saying, “It doesn’t matter how many times we have to do this, but I’ll continue to do this until you understand. I chose you knowing you will make mistakes, and I knew all about them before you ever would or willl; stiIl,I choose you. Still, l love you. I will always choose you. You are my beloved, and I will show you this as many times as you need to see it, to experience it.”
Wow. And even more amazing, this offering of repeated blessing and nurturing was not just intended for Peter. I believe it was merely an example of the Love presented to each one of us, too, is we were only bold enough to seize it. Because, He does love us, whole-heartedly, undoubtedly, and without any concept of guilt or recrimination as long as we are honest with ourselves and Him and sincere in our repentance.
I think about all the times I have failed in my life, especially after becoming a Christian, when I haven’t loved someone well enough, or hurt someone I cared about deeply (unintentionally, of course), or gossiped, or simply failed to be there when I was needed. I think about my selfishness, my failure to trust, my lack of wisdom, and while I see God clearly lead me growing in those ways, I know I haven’t grown enough. I want to be gentle with myself, be patient, and I pray for wisdom above all else. Because this is absolutely of which I am assured: even when I fail,, even when that failure is “epic,”, even when I run and hide like Elijah, I cannot run from Him. And, I have learned that in itself is an amazing blessing, because how was He lead me back to where I need to be if He cannot find me? How can I feel the comfort of His heart if He knows not where I am? I know this scripture is taken out of context, but is seems so appropriate here,; so, please bear with me because I feel the Spirit whispering it to me, “I am my beloved and He is mine.” May it always be so.
The Unexpected Life 