Last week Despair roared in and didn’t leave. No, instead it sat hulking over me dripping and shedding little bits of grim and gloom throughout the long, long, long 7 days. No matter what I did, no matter how I tried to pep-talk myself out of my blue funk, my unwanted visitor refused to by pried loose. Nope, Despair laughed its mirthless, foul taunt and remained. FAB-U-LOUS.
So, what was so bad about last week? Nothing huge, just lots of little things, and when you look at the whole it felt overwhelming. (I’m sort of a “big picture” gal anyway, and perhaps that’s the problem.) So, to start, it was the anniversary of the pin pulling on my marriage. Yep, that house of cards fell a year ago (I am aware that I am mixing my metaphors. Let’s pretend that it works.). I didn’t think it would get to me as much as it did, but, even though I know it was the absolute right decision, my heart breaks just a bit. Then, there was the anniversary of the Sandy Hook tragedy that we all share. Also, health stuff that you just can’t run from – and boy do I keep trying. And heartaches of friends that I wish so desperately to heal for them, but, of course, cannot. Add on that everything in the house seems to be breaking at once, and there is no money to replace it – not big stuff, just lots of little things that I use every day – UGH!!! (Insert Deep Sigh Here.) Am I whining? Don’t answer that.
So, there I was shivering under the shadow of Despair, and I had to go about my everyday life, facing my everyday friends as if I wasn’t clutching at my soul’s heart and drowning in darkness. This is where the Southern Lady training becomes useful. We smile through anything. The dog ate the only key to the locked front door? Smile, smile. The bank transferred the contents of your checking account to someone with a similar last name? Keep that grin. Surprise! Your mother set you up with your cousin’s best friend’s brother’s roommate, and he’s coming to dinner now? Yep, just smile, and it’ll be okay. I am not kidding. So, because I have been doing this for years it comes as second nature. If you saw me this week, I bet you didn’t even know there was a thing wrong, did you? But there really, really was. (Hey, I’m not lauding this as healthy. It just is what it is.)
Then yesterday, probably having had enough of my grim and gloom, God smiled on me. Make that God showered me with His unfailing Love, because He reminded me in His gentle way, that He is present through it all.
I had not seen my friend in over a year. She did not know that my marriage had ended, that my life had changed in enormous ways. We met outside a café, she and I. As I approached I studied her sitting quietly and marveled at the peace and serenity she radiated. Everything about her shone with God’s Love, almost as if she glimmered. And as we spent the next few hours together sharing the tales of our lives, I was reminded of her gentle heart and her amazing faith.
She has just finished her teaching certification and will be a kindergarten teacher. I can think of no better niche for this darling one. Truly, she is a beloved daughter of the Most High, and He allowed me to spend time with her when my heart was hurting so very much. We did not speak of my aching; we didn’t need to. We just shared, and in our sharing He was present; I felt Him, His comforting arms around me holding me. When I walked away, my soul had lightened tenfold.
So, I was well on my way to perking up when I another friend asked me to spend the evening helping with her daughter’s tenth birthday party. Now, really, there were only eight little girls. So, I’m sure my friend would’ve had the situation well in hand, but I was so very blessed by these little girls. We did crafts, went Christmas caroling, drank hot chocolate, and ate hamburgers and cake. The crafts and hot chocolate were fun, but the caroling, well, let me tell you, these little girls danced around the neighborhood knocking on doors and singing off key. And it was wonderful! The sheer joy bursting from the little group and conveyed to the “carolees” with each song was a sight to behold. It was as if the girls were scattering their own version of diamond dust. Yes, indeed, that birthday party was a gift to me sent directly from my Father.
And that was what it took to launch Despair on its way.
Sometimes my emotions are bigger than me, stronger than me. I try to contain them, force them back into their box, and I fail. I lose more and more ground to the onslaught of the enemy, until I wonder if I’m going to be able to stand up one more second. And then, God does something amazing. He shows up in very real ways. This time it was in the form of a coffee date and a ten-year old’s birthday party. Next time I need Him so very much, He may appear entirely different. But what I know for certain is that he will show. Perhaps that’s His version of diamond dust.
The Unexpected Life 